Because women won't play games during sex

The harder they are the bigger they fill

When it comes to sex, women have even less imagination than men, and that is ereally saying something.

Like men, women tend to get their clues from how sex should be from porn, however unlike men, porn has nothing to do with female pleasure. It’s no wonder women keeping thinking that sex is unpleasant.

Of course this is true in the early days, but in the early days she is trying to impress you. You remember how it used to be right? When touching the back of her knee produced sounds that made you think she was having an orgasm (because let’s face it, how else can you tell if she’s having an orgasm). So what went wrong? Why does the sex get so dull?

Women tend to be very inhibited in bed, and because they take their cues from porn, they think that lying back with their legs spread and doing nothing but moaning and occasionally swearing brings not one, but many orgasms. When (not if – WHEN) this fails, women tend to be at a loss about what to do about the whole business.

So it just gets too hard – or not hard enough as the case may be.

This is when women need to be brave, and try new things. Experiment with their own sexuality and get excited about some more aggressive roles they could play. Rare is the man indeed who wouldn’t’ want to be a part of some sort of pleasure game that his wife thinks up.

IN romance novels couples play games in every way you can imagine all the time; particularly in erotic romance novels. Women are not having orgasms from receiving a penis in their mouth till they’re sick – it takes a little more than that. Women love to see the exciting ideas and games that couples come up with, and maybe, if you let them read their erotic romance, they may come up with a game or two for your bedroom.

Because men hate divorce

The best trick the devil ever pulled, was getting the world to believe he doesn’t exist – Keyser Soze

Men hate divorce, and this should come as no surprise seeing as they invented marriage and marriage was made for their comfort.

What is astounding, though, is that up until very recently, men actually did nothing to help maintain their marriages. It was simply felt that if you had signed the paper that you were obliged to stay. In other words, the work stopped once they had tricked the woman into being married.

And of course, as we have seen in earlier posts, they did have to trick women into getting married. Mostly by convincing women it was their idea.

Logic would tell you, that if you want your marriage to last, you make it pleasant to stay in it. This is the most basic of assumptions about animal behaviour.

If that is the case, why do so few men work hard on their marriage? Why do so many women have to put up with no help around the house, men who humiliate them in public by openly flirting with other women – and then telling their spouse they are petty and mean for getting upset – goading and badgering the children and insisting the entire house conform to his moods and other crazy self destructive acts that defy logic.

When men complain about their wives leaving them, they are rarely interested in self examination.

In romance novels men feel extremely lucky to be married. They know marriage is a thing that they want so badly, and they cherish it when it is there. They don’t want a divorce, but what makes them so different is that they will actually go to great lengths to make sure it doesn’t happen.

Because women will only do something nice for someone else if they get acknowledged for it

It’s better to receive than give a dam

Women like to do nice things for people. There is no doubt about it. However, what they do not like, is to have the good deed go unnoticed.

In fact, women will do anything, from deep dramatic sighs as they are doing the helpful task all the way through to flat out telling you and demanding a ‘thankyou’, a ‘good job’ or some sort of acknowledgement when it is complete.

Women will do this, and they will complain at great length when a man does the same thing. If he announces he will do the washing up tonight, she rolls her eyes and makes a rude comment about him needing to make a song and dance. Truth is, every man who does make a song and dance about the great lengths he’s gone to in order to complete a favour, has learnt the technique from a woman.

There is a saying that goes ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’ What we don’t realise is that the person performing the good deed is also allowed to inflict punishment on all those around them. Women simply do not want to do things without being seen. So all the others in the household must be tortured with the constant badgering to have them notice the good deed she has performed.

This is why when you come home at the end of the day your wife / mother, has to tell you all the things she did for you that day. I made a dentist appointment for you, I got the library books you wanted, I returned the books you don’t need, I’ve made dinner, I’ve done the washing, I was here when you got home.... and so on.

In romance novels women don’t need to relate every little good deed they performed in the day because they feel safe and loved for who they are, and because they perform good deeds out of generosity, not out of increasing a secret point scoring system that seems to be going on, or getting into heaven. Women do good things, because they’re good people. And that’s the end of that story.

Because men fall in love at the drop of a hat

You're only as old as the woman you feel. - Groucho Marx

The stereotype is that women fall in love.

However, the reverse is true. Women will COMIT at the dop of  a hat, but they usually havn’t completely given themselves – which men find out along the way.

They find this out, long after they have given themselves 100%.

Men will take any emotion they are having in their day, and convert it to lust. The secretary has big tits – they want to marry her. They have no money and the rumour is the girl in accounting does have money and knows what to do with it – they want to marry her. They started a band last night in the garage and a friend of a friend at work knows someone who works at Sony – they want to marry her.

In fact any woman who is going to rescue them, is fall-in-love material.

Not only will a man fall in love with the woman who rescues him from whatever he is feeling at any given time, but he wants to MARRY her. He wants complete and utter ownership. Men don’t just get silly little crushes and move on. They are there for complete possession.

The truth of the matter is, men are extremely easy to marry – if you catch them at the right time. Remember, after all, marriage was invented by men, for men, so it makes perfect sense that every many wants it.

In romance novels every man wants marriage, though they don’t fall in love at the drop of a hat. Usually they are men who have rejected many women prior to meeting the heroine who they DO fall for at the drop of a hat. Their falling is a rarefied experience that they weren’t expecting at all.

Because women won't date nice guys

Deception can be appealing

We’ve seen before that women leap into marriage before they’re ready and often to the wrong man just to avoid being single and branded as a ‘failure’ in their life’s ‘true purpose.’

Another thing women do that defies all common sense is they go for the ‘bad boy.’

Men complain that women don’t go for nice guys, and the main reason they think this is because its true. Women have dressed up the bad boy image to such an extent that they can’t help but fall hopelessly as soon as he enters the room.

But what is really going on here?

If they’re in a bar, and there is a large muscle bound man with a dark shock of unruly hair falling into his yes trying to avoid a real fight with a guy that’s goading him, they’ll fall for him right away. Or if they’re sitting with their girlfriends and he walks up and lets her know that she’s driving him wild and he wants her, she may fall for it.

However, if they start a relationship, and they’ve been together for a while, does she still want him donning the tight black t shirt and dipping down to the pub for a while? I don’t think so.

Women are attracted to the bad boys for one reason and one reason only; because they want THIEIR beauty to be the thing that tames him. They want him SMITTEN. The attraction to a bad boy is all about her charm turning him into a good boy. Women want to tame the bad boy, not have him be bad forever.

The sweet guy, the one that is holding back in order to be respectful has already been tamed. There will be no road to Damascus conversion there.

Women need to get over this control desire if they are to actually find mates that are compatible and have similar long term wishes as they do, if they want a long term relationship.

In romance novels almost every hero, without exception is an untamed bad guy. Every hero without exception is totally smitten by the unique desirability of his mate, and every hero without accepted changes his life’s desire from being a rebel to making his new cherished wife happy. He’s a bad boy no more.

Because men think women don't date nice guys

No more Mr nice guy!

Men think women don’t date nice men.

You will hear them say this over and over – it is always the nice guys who say it – and they will say it in a social situation with a lot of women around, as if they were going to change the world and the way women think – one by one.

When a man says women don’t date nice guys, it usually means one of two things.

It means he’s tried it as a tactic and it didn’t get him laid.

He went out of a date, and he didn’t try to touch her tits in the car. He booked the restaurant and walked her to it. He held his tongue when the idiot waitress did that stupid thing. He listened to her long boring story about the trouble she has with her mother. He gave her a couple of hours of excellent advice, for free, that she’d pay a fortune for if she went to a therapist. He drove her home. And she didn’t even kiss him or invite him up to her apartment. In other words, being nice didn’t get him any better than screaming ‘show us your tits’ did that night in the bar with his mates. He knows where he’d rather be.

The other of the two things a man means when he says women don’t date nice guys, is that he’s a nice guy, and no supermodels want to date him.

 He’s not interested in the cute plump waitress that’s giving him the eye. He’s not keen on the sweet little temp at work who offered him her candy bar with a smile. No, he’s angry that he can’t get the eye of the airline stewardess who lives in his building when she comes home between shifts.

What they actually mean is ULTRA HOT women aren’t going for him even though he’s nice.

Of course they do, it’s just that being nice doesn’t allow you to leap social levels as if you were superman. Women do like you – it’s just that they’re women in your LEAGUE.

No matter what, men seem to think they need to be rewarded beyond the ordinary, for being nice. As if they went to some sort of trouble, or they made this huge effort that needs to be recognised.

In romance novels the heroes are always, always nice – eventually. Women need men who respect them, care for them and give to them when they are in need. Just as they do the same for their men. The men are cool, mucho, wild, and very badly behaved, but when it comes to their one true love, they are always, without exception, nice to her.

Because women cling to their children long after they should to legitimise their existance

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother

Women don’t know when to let go.

This is generally the women who have stayed home and placed the unnatural burden on their children, of demanding they legitimise their existence; although working mums have been known to indulge in this ailment too.

If you choose to stay at home to look after your children, part of that obligation is making sure you take care of yourself enough so that you are properly there for them – not just using them as an excuse for not having to take responsibility for the big things in your life.

However, large amounts of stay at home mothers (and some going to work mothers) do not do this. They stay at home and look after their children, then ‘expect’ a great deal for that ‘sacrifice’.

They expect to be allowed to have a say in who their children  date or marry (especially if that partner is causing the adult child to spend less time at home) they expect to be remembered, they expect to come before the partner, and in the case of male children, they expect seniority in his heart and mind over the newer lesser female.

If a woman ‘devotes’ herself to her children, they need to look out, because not only will she expect reward, but she will expect to be allowed to be ‘devoted’ to her children for the rest of her life, because after all, a woman’s work is never done.

This is one that men don’t share because men know that they are not the same person and their children, and they know very well, the dangers of being mollycoddled. They know how they achieved autonomy and they want that gift for their children. It is the mother that never achieved her own actualisation that can’t understand her children’s need to have that.

In romance novels women never confuse motherhood with personhood. If women ‘work at home’ with their children, they treat it like a job, and they detach and do the best they can, encouraging their budding adults to be self reliant, self sufficient and self aware. These women love their children, but they are also looking forward to the time they can be alone in the nest with their lover again, the difficult task of childrearing over.

Because men think farting is funny

Ok, I do get the joke. 

It makes a funny noise; it makes a horrible smell that offends everyone.

It’s great.

When your 12.

What is the deal with still giggling at farts when you’re in your 50’s?

 I can even understand the desires of people who like to fart to cause offence. As a weapon of mass anti social destruction it is excellent. There is not much that has more impact, is as effective or as easy to produce as a fart, if you’re looking to offend the greatest number of people around you as possible.

It’s the giggling as if it’s the first one you ever heard that is the difficult part to understand.

Then there are the rules around farting.

If you’re with your mates and you are about to, you are obliged to place backside over the face of the least alpha male in the group and gift him. If your with your girlfriend, you must always try to do one in bed under the covers so she is trapped with it, and then laugh till you cry when she tries to escape the smell wafting up from under the covers. If you’re over 60 you get a grandchild to pull your finger. If your mother does it in your presence, you express horror and outrage.... and so on. The rules around this one simple bodily function are extensive.

Women, of course, don’t know any of them except for two. Don’t do them, and pretend not to notice when someone else does one.

In romance novels farting is simply not allowed. It doesn’t happen. If it does it is rare and used usually to identify a deeply obnoxious male to the reader. Women don’t like farts and wish they didn’t exist, and for the briefest of blissful moments, in the world of the romance novel – they don’t.

Because women think they love the strong silent type

You get what you settle for

Women have always loved the strong silent type. Strong, is important – yes, but the most important things about the strong silent type – is that he’s silent.

While the advice from men can be very annoying (especially when it is inconceivable that you might not use it or heaven forbid, ignore it) that is nothing compared with how regularly it is received.

So women invented the idea of the ‘strong silent type.’

The man who is well built and doesn’t talk.

However, like all sexual stereotypes, what inevitably happens when a woman is confronted with the strong silent type, is incessant badgering about what is on his mind.

Never mind that what is on his mind is potato chips and a beer, or how long is it till the next football match. As soon as a woman is actually confronted with the strong silent type she will do everything thing in her power to get him to talk.

Which usually means one thing only- the thing women are brilliant at; endless badgering and emotional blackmail. The emotional blackmail will consist of everything from withholding sex all the way through to tantrums or sulking.

In the end of course, the strong silent type is not what any woman wants at all, but how typical to have made famous the very opposite of what they want.

In romance novels the men usually start out as the strong silent type, but the woman’s beauty, gentleness and charm (that special something that we saw in earlier posts) opens him up, usually for the first time in his life, and he starts to talk about the wonders on his mind. These are always deep insights into the way he ticks, which, of course, she can instantly decipher.

Because men have poor personal hygiene

A watched boil never pops.

I know this isn’t always true – and these days it is getting better than it ever was before.

However, men still seem to think of dirt as some sort of status symbol. Whether it’s under the nails (you’ve been fixing the car all day) all over the clothes (you’ve been playing football in the mud) in the hair (you’ve been ‘working’ in the underground cellar) or all over the face, men see the dirt they’ve been able to accumulate as some sort of sign of superiority.

The dirt all over the clothes and body is not an appeal to women.

It’s an appeal to other men. (Raises eyebrows)

In fact, the message of the dirt all over is “I don’t care about the Nancy rules women impose. I am a real man and I can be dirty if I want to.” Again, we see here the odd logic of male mythology that states doing something that appeals to women is gay, while doing something that appeals to men is straight.

However, worse than the self righteous ‘dirtier-than-thou’ group are the ‘just-didn’t-feel-like-washing-today’ group. This group usually manages to repulse both women and men.

This one is very difficult for women to understand. It’s the sweaty guy on the packed train whose never heard of deodorant, it’s the guy picking his pimples and boils at his desk, it’s the guy leaving the skiddies all over the bowl and it’s the guy picking his ear wax with his fingers (and eating it in the case of the Australian Prime Minister).

Do they not know that we can all tell? Do they not care that we all know? What is the deal here? Why skip your showers? Do they have no sense of smell?

Often these are the very men who will speak up at the worst possible moment contributing to a conversation they weren’t invited into, to make the point that women are hypocrites because they don’t go out with ‘nice’ guys. They will say they ‘tried’ it and nada! It never occurs to them that they could try being attractive.

In romance novels the most masculine, alpha male will die of humiliation if an offensive odour is excreted from any part of his muscled, toned body. It simply never appears in the novels. Women do not have to deal with unclean armpits, feet, hair or genitals / genital areas. To live, even for the briefest of times in this world, is ecstasy and lust for a woman.

Because women love tarot readings

“The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery.” Anais Nin

And there is no mystery greater than why women still love tarot readings.

As I have said before (in the post about Astrology) if a woman tells you that she doesn’t like tarot reading and doesn’t get them done – she’s lying. For some reason, that goes beyond all common sense and logic, women love tarot readings, and that is all there is to it.

And they are not about to give them up.

Don’t even TRY to fight this one with science. They are incompatible. It’s like trying to prove apples don’t exist because you can’t see any on the ground in front of you. Women will always believe there is ‘something more to us’ because they have such a strong, powerful intuition.

And the cards reinforce and support that idea of intuition.

A woman’s intuition (which is adored and worshiped by the cards) is fed and nurtured during tarot readings. Men, you have to think of it like this. Remember the Jerry Seinfeld skit where he says when you had your hearing test at school, you always fantasized that the nurse was going to tell you have super hearing that goes beyond anything they’ve ever seen before, and that you are actually profoundly gifted? We have the same thing going on here.

Women secretly fantasise that in every tarot reading, the reader will say “My god, I... I’ve never read for anyone like you before. Wow, your chart, I’ve never seen anything like it. You’re a genius, and you’ve actually got an incredible ability to read people, the likes of which I have never seen. It’s amazing. I should be asking for you to read me.....” and so on. That will give you a big clue into why I it so important for women to keep going back to tarot readers.

In romance novels, tarot is respected and treated as a genuine therapy at worst, and a flawless system for predicting the future at best. Women live by it, and always, in every reading, something remarkable and extraordinary is ‘seen’ in the future of the client. No one has a reading where they are told the $500 a year wage increase is the most exciting thing that will happen to them next year.

Because men say they are things that they are not

One of the essential components of being male is an ability to suspend reality.

Women have to engage with reality – they have babies. It has such a profound impact on your physical being (even before you ever have a baby – just the ability means you have to take pills, live in fear of pregnancy, face the reality of abortion  etc) that you can’t afford the luxury of romantic, emotional idealism.

However, men can indulge in this – and do.

Men’s fundamental needs (to eat, drink be loved and raise their own children) are so domestic, so basic, so raw, that they can’t cope with the reality of them. They imagine they can’t trust women to provide them with this desperate longing, this overwhelming need that engulfs them, so they create a mythology completely at odds with who they really are, in order to cope with the trauma of their own actuality.

This mythology, is almost the absolute opposite of who they really are and what they desperately want.

They will say that they don’t care about love; that it is a thing women need not men. They will brand it as entirely female, implying that it is not ‘Mucho’ to need anyone else as much as they need women. They will claim that to procreate is more important than to engage with the life of the human you’ve forged, even though they die of humiliation if they find they’re raising another man’s child.

Men will go to great lengths to try to prove that everything they feel is not really happening and a callous, self indulgent facade is the ‘reality’ of the situation.
In romance novels men are not threatened by alternate forms of masculinity. Neither are they out of tune with their own inner desires. They build tight strong complex bonds with their females, taking on the creative challenge of relationship rather than shying away, and cowardly seeping into a faux adolescence to self protect.

Because women need conditions to be perfect before they will engage in sex

Abstinence makes the heart go wander

The longer time a couple spend together, the more the woman is focussing on the petty irritations that distract her during the sex act.

Primarily this is because women are addicted to conquest and compliment. There is very little compliment in the man you live with (and have been living with for a while) wanting to bed you, and there is certainly no conquest. Women want to feel as though they are the most special person in the world to you – which is a trap; because no matter how hard you try at some point it is going to appear that someone else is more important, just for a moment. That is when she will start to lose faith and that huge crashing sound you hear, is you falling off the pedestal.

The work you will have to do, to get back up there is so demanding there should be an Olympic sport named after it. You have to apologise for whatever it was you did, you have to sweet talk and tell her over and over that she is the only one and that she is the most special or important person in your life; you have to rub her aching shoulders; you have to compliment her underwear; you have to whisper in her ear; you have to remove her clothing seductively as well as your own; you have to kiss her all over and then ... maybe... if the conditions are absolutely perfect.....

When you get to the stage when you’ve been doing it for a while, it gets even worse than this. Suddenly every petty irritation is in the way of your good time. Her knees didn’t used to ache in that position and she used to love the taste. You start to wonder, was she lying then, or is she lying now.

No one knows.

In romance novels, the conditions are always perfect for sex. the man usually looks like he just got back from four hours at the gym, and he reacts to her as if she were a goddess – even on her ‘fat’ days. A woman doesn’t have to compromise on those special moments; the men get turned on by hour long back rubs. In fact they get so turned on, they want those backrubs to last, and last and last....

Because men have to perform crazy tricks on their bikes

“Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live.” Mark Twain

We all understand the pleasures of riding a bike. What is very difficult to understand is the need to perform crazy tricks in front of others on the bike.

What is with the “look no hands” thing? And what is with the arms folded across the chest thing? And then there are the legs out either side (really really wide) not touching the pedals.

This is something that non bike riders and serious bike riders alike – do not get.

“Melancholy is incompatible with cycling.” James Starrs

The arm folded across the chest is the really annoying one. There is a kind of arrogance about that, as if you’d discovered it yourself. As if every kid who ever rode a bike before you didn’t do it firt. But grown men do this one. Work it out.

Another very annoying one is the legs out wide either side. Cool if you’re alone and you just want to do something crazy on the bike, but is it really necessary to do it in front of everyone else? Do we all need to see the legs out either side of the bike?

I don’t think so.

What does this odd bike behaviour tell us about men?

In romance novels men and women alike enjoy the bikes or not, and there is no need to perform circus tricks while on the bikes – unless of course they are done in front of each other and are intended to impress each other.

Because women feel guilty all the time

“Guilt is regret for what we’ve done

Regret is guilt for what we didn’t do.”

Women feel guilty all the time. They can’t get enough of it. They will massacre themselves inside over and over again if it means they get to indulge in their favourite hobby – self analysis.

Women feel guilty for having babies, not having babies, having sex, not having sex, staying at home with the kids, going out to work and putting the kids in day care, wanting to be beautiful, not working hard enough at their beauty, cleaning  the house, not cleaning the house.... the list goes on and on. Women will find a reason to feel guilty about everything or anything that they do in their day. It goes with the territory.

Of course all the guilt makes it very difficult to stand strong about choices and that means you never really do stand by your choices. This keeps women in a childlike state, where they second guess everything that goes through their minds or any behaviour they brought to their day. Constantly worried about what the ‘authority figure’ will think of the way you ran your day does make it very difficult to get things done powerfully.

Interestingly, often the busier a woman is, the less she feels guilty. She simply has no time for it, neither does she have time for anyone else (usually women friends) who try to make her feel bad for any of the choices she has made.

In romance novels if a heroine ever feels any sort of guilt it is treats as though it is a disease that needs to be abolished not a ‘little voice’ that needs to be listened to. That women are untrustworthy in the accounting of their own sins is a given, and more often than not women are let off the hook for any kind of guilt they may be attacking themselves with.

Because men think its funny to pick on others

Opposites attack

For some reason that no one really knows (though god knows many have tried to explain with deeply spurious “reasoning”) men like to pick on other people.

And it is not just the weaker ones that men like to pick on, though traditionally if a superior male or female is to be attacked they will usually wait for a very public error to pounce, so that they can ridicule in numbers.  Men like to reinforce their ‘masculinity’ by attacking others.

It starts around the age of thirteen, but you will see a boy beginning his struggle with it at around the age of ten. Every male - and the honest parent will admit this – sees the young boy having to go through the dilemma of knowing that he has to treat others with cruelty. He will soon learn however that if he doesn’t join the ranks of the petty attackers, he stands the risk of being a victim and no one – not even women – like to be labelled a victim.

It’s not so much the social cruelty. Women will be as mean as any man. It’s the laugh they get out of it. They laugh when they see someone humiliated, ridiculed or embarrassed in some way.

In fact the only time it is unacceptable is when the laughter is aimed at them.

Like all bullies, it is definitely NOT funny when it is directed at him. And the crueller the male, the meaner he has taught himself to be, the more adamant he is that he doesn’t  deserve to be treated this way.

In romance novels the only men that laugh at the misfortunes of others are the criminals, the losers or the ones who never get women. Men don’t have to be nice (I mean, who REALLY likes ‘nice’ people anyway) but they do have to find other ways of getting their kicks other than public humiliation of others. This is no trouble for the mend of romance novels, who never can be bothered with that kind of behaviour anyway. And they are Very well rewarded for their strength by the woman who love them, and love them  and love them.

Because women think feminism stole their choices

“You are free – Choose” J.P. Sartre

There is very little in the western world that has polarized and divided people than feminism. And i am not talking about men and women here – I’m talking about women.

Women love to blame feminism for the strangest things. They blame feminism because they want to stay at home with their kids, because they want to go out to work, because they are attracted to men, because they’ve stopped being attracted to men, for being stuck with the housework, for having to manage their own money, for choosing to not have a child and for needing to do something about their own ambitions.

What this seems to show, really, is that women just like to complain.

Feminism gave women the choice - That’s it - Where before they had none, now they can choose.

What women don’t want is to be responsible and accountable for their choices. They want to blame their husband, Germaine Greer or feminism when they don’t like their choice anymore or when they are sick of their choice.  They do not want to accept responsibility for the choice they’ve made.

Women blame feminism, which only gave them the right to choose, for having to choose. That is actually at the base of all the complaints that women make about feminism. When women did not have those freedoms they could retain the child like state that we all claim we want. They didn’t have adult status and they didn’t live like adults.  And when they whinge about feminism, they’re really complaining about having to be an adult.

In romance novels, women ‘be’ their choice. Women face conflict and uncertainly with courage and strength of conviction. They choose men who love their choices and they live their choices honestly.

Because men fail to identify and address personal weakness

Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living. Socrates sought genuine knowledge over defeating an opponent; so of course, this is seen as a profound sign of genius by men.

However, he has a point.

As we’ve seen before, men will go to great lengths to justify their bad habits. And no thought process or idealism is above this drive. Men will use science, religion and physical strength in the determined drive to preserve their right to do deeply stupid things.

When, actually, all they have to do is live an examined life. Take a look in the mirror, without scanning for the muscle beneath the fat. See what is really being presented back to you. Think. Think about stimulus response and being able to interrupt patterns that have built up over a lifetime that you learnt from your father.

Contrary to the worship of Socrates, this isn’t actually rocket science, and it is something that men demand (unflinchingly and patronizingly) from women and other men. However, they are unwilling to do it for themselves.

Why? Is it confusion between being mucho and being a man? Is it a genetic thing – a lack of intelligence? Perhaps it is none of the above. Perhaps it is just plain laziness.

In romance novels men naturally introspect because they are written by women and it is unfathomable to a woman that the self isn’t scrutinised for bad behaviour every day. The men are reflective, examining the consequences to their behaviours and honest about what they want. They never follow through on whims, being devoted to getting the things they want in their life.

Because a woman rescued means the woman is yours

A Penny saved is a Penny earned.

Take my advice. You don’t want to ‘help women out’ too often. It is true that the man who stops in the rain at the car by the road with the flat tyre and a blonde, does know it is possible his reward for the twenty minutes of irritation will be several hours of pleasure. He tries hard not to expect it, and he tries hard not to resent her if the impossible happens and he’s only rewarded with a kind thank  you, but the odds are so heavily in his favour that its close to an inevitability.

We’ve seen in posts here before that women are still looking for their knight in shining armour. I’ve also said before, what they really want, desperately, is to not actually have to do anything. Women want you to be responsible for the money, the respect, and the power and getting ahead in life. For this, they will iron your shirts. And, stay at home all day with your children.

Fortunately the world is changing and women are starting to see that responsibility for the home is not the same as running  Citigroup. They understand that there is a pleasure in taking on large amounts of responsibility. But they still resent the difficult day, they still feel enormous amounts of ‘stress’ and they still (trust me on this one) deep down think their day was really MUCH harder than yours.

In romance novels women ARE rescued all the time; but they are rescued from genuine evils that only the man in question can fight.  In all cases the women battle alongside him, standing up for themselves, their man and their children. Women love romance novels because the women are feisty and ultimately, the sorts of women we wish we were.

Because men think they need the upper hand all the time

Time wounds all heels

Men need to have the upper hand. It’s a paranoia thing. It’s never about the war, it’s about the battle. Of course the issue in the battle is self defence and the issue in the war is strategy. Men are more about self defence than they are about strategy.

Self defence from what?

What are they so afraid of?

Growth, understanding, vulnerability? Or is it simply old age? Is acting like a child a way to stave off death?

Underneath it all, at the end of the day, are men just afraid of death?

Possibly. Probably. Most likely. At any rate there is nothing to be gained from winning the battle. And yet – men have definitely had the upper hand all along. After all, if you keep winning each battle, who care if you are losing the war, as long as the war is never actually won?

The trick here is to keep the war going, for as long as possible, making sure you win every battle. Death will finally deliver its shattering blow, but if you’re lucky, you can keep winning battles all the way, and never really know you lost.

In romance novels men are not afraid of death, and that frees them from the need to win every battle. They are not actually at war (unless of course it’s an actual war that determines their freedom) and that means they get to enjoy every second of their life.

Because women won't have fun in bed

A bad tool blames her workman

Women can’t seem to let loose in the bedroom. Now it is true that some can, and women have come a long way in this area and deserve some credit for that, but there are still many wives blaming their husbands  - or worse the ‘differences’ between the sexes – for why they don’t want to do it.

We’ve seen here before that women have to take responsibility for their own love lives, but there is really no more excuse now that we have Sex and the City brandished across our televisions virtually twenty four hours a day (and these are re runs) and have done for the last ten years.

Women are allowed to enjoy sex now. It’s no longer taboo. So why are so many of them hanging on to their headaches and trying to claim it’s just not for them?

Women do have trouble taking responsibility for what they want in life. But this doesn’t really fit that category because often they simply don’t want it. They have taught themselves to hate it as an act of revenge on a husband not living up to some ideal or they have just given up on the effort of taking the time to pleasure yourself. Or maybe they just still think it’s dirty.

In romance novels, there is infinite permission to enjoy sex. In fact, in erotic romance, it is enjoyed in many different ways and from the woman’s point of view. Women are pandered too intellectually, the books taking them places they’d only thought about in their wildest fantasies. When you are looking at your own deepest darkest desires splayed out on the page in different ways, it’s hard not to be grateful and devoted to the industry that brought it to you. Think of men and porn.

Because men like to pee in public

The burley worm catches the bird

For some reason that women don’t understand, men love to pee in public.

This is something we can’t quite get our heads around. A woman would have to be under very extreme stress or circumstances or drunken state to be driven to peeing in public. However, men seem to relish the opportunity as if they’ve been waiting for it to come up.

What is also interesting about this strange phenomena is, it’s definitely not about showing off the size of the thing. Where penis envy does not exist in women, it definitely does in men. Men are very preoccupied with the size of their ‘manhood’. Why, in this case are so many ‘little boys’ willing to reveal themselves?

And when they pee, they like to do it at a tree, shrub or some sort of herb life, the logic being, that living thing will be grateful for their ‘water’. However, when they do this (and I know this having seen so many men do it) they try to cover the entire plant in their pee, not just the roots. They want to water the leaves, stems and stump of the plant, even though we all know this is not where it drinks from.

Perhaps it has nothing to do with feeding the plant?

The best explanation I can think of for why men do this is this. They have such a strong desire to see large groups of women peeing in public; they just assume it is as exciting for women to see men peeing in public. This logic seems to be, if they break the seal, the girls will join in as well. I think at the base of the peeing in public is the desire to be seen to be doing it in public and the hope that others will then join in doing it in public. Just one big love in at the end.

In romance novels if anyone is peeing in front of anyone else, it is either at a urinal or ‘between a husband and wife who love each other very much’. All kind of interesting things go on in romance novels, but they rarely include the need to involve complete strangers off the street who had no choice but to bear witness.

Because if you don't know why she's mad, she's not going to tell you

Of all the most irritating, annoying things that women say or do, this has got to be close to the top of the list.

It usually goes like this:

Woman is sitting on the couch, arms folded, NOT laughing at the funny show you both usually enjoy together.

Man: “Is there something wrong?”

Woman: “Something wrong? Something WRONG? Now WHY would there be anything wrong?”

Man: “you seem upset.”

Woman: “gee, really? What would I have to be upset about?”

Man: “I don’t know. What’s wrong with you?”

Woman: Deep Sigh “Well if you don’t know, I m not going to tell you.”

Usually the reason the woman doesn’t want to tell the man that she is upset is because what she is upset about is deeply humiliating for her. It will be the way he flirted with the waitress at dinner, or how rude he was to her mother on the weekend, or that he walked in, blew out the candles, wolfed down the romantic meal she made just after he turned on the TV.

The upthrust here is, if you don’t know how to articulate your concern with power (and many women don’t) then go out with the girls.  There is no other solution. The petulance of arm crossing and monosybalic conversing will get a woman nowhere. If the man does know what he did wrong (and he usually does) he will pretend he doesn’t or tell you your imaging it, and if he really doesn’t know what he did wrong, he’ll never guess it in a million years.

In romance novels the women give voice to their problems and the men listen. However, in romance novels, women are usually so busy that their ‘problems’ have nothing to do with the way he treats her mother or the girly he looked sideways at. He’s too busy for those sorts of petty behaviours and so is she. There is often a disconnect in communication but usually it is simply to create tension as they rocket toward their inevitable love affair.

Because men need to throw things in the air and catch them with their mouths

“Better to be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.”

There are many unsolved mysteries in the world. The Shroud of Turin; what became of the Mary Celeste; the Voynich manuscript; the Bermuda triangle, are just a few great mysteries that still plague us with their riddles and perplexities.

However nothing is more incomprehensible than a man's desire to throw something in the air and catch it with his mouth - in public.

Every man, at some point in his life, succumbs to this temptation.

If you are in the vicinity of a man that attempts this, better hope he actually misses. For some strange reason, it’s the accomplished ‘nut catcher’ that will do this over and over again, rather than the one who needs the practise.

However, more astonishing than the desire to do this is public, is the no doubt hours and hours of practise that have gone into being able to do it – before they take the act public.

For every man you see catching a nut, M&M or cigarette in his hand, you are also witnessing the hours of private practise alone in his room that it must have taken to be able to achieve this feat.

However, what is not as clear as the years of  ‘geekdom’ devoted to the skill is the reason for doing it.

Some of my favourite explanations are; it shows eye mouth coordination; to deal aggressively with awkward social moments; and to attract women. (!)

This is one of life’s lingering mysteries.

In romance novels, perhaps not surprisingly, men rarely engage in throwing things up in the air and catching them with their mouths. If they are ever tempted, they will do it in the house and never, ever under any circumstances in a public place.

Because women choose their partners too quickly

First served, first come.

Single women are terrified of being single for the rest of their life. Now this isn’t always always true – I myself have some very close friends who love being single – but for the most part, women want to be in a relationship.

This has very little to do with nurturing, or love, or sexual intimacy. This has a lot more to do with the looks their girlfriends give them when they confess they are single, or the berating she receives from her mother when she admits she’s still single. It has to do with the power afforded the married woman.

The older a woman gets, the more desperate her desire to not be single any more. IN fact, women will tell you that ‘the world’ hates the single woman, but in fact ‘the world’ doesn’t really care either way if a woman is single or not. It’s the women who will look at each other, wordless accusations flying, and condemn a woman to being unable to ‘catch’ a man.

Of course, it’s really very easy to catch a man because almost every man wants to be married. So what usually happens is, driven by a deep terror of remaining single, women will attach themselves to males (usually someone a little beneath them socially) just so they can show the world that they don’t have to be single.

For this reason, so many women end up with the wrong man. They will also believe that it is his fault that they are so miserable in their marriage later, because it is obvious to ANYONE that he is incredibly lucky to have her and that she outclasses him. That she willed herself into this position too early is not something she will confess easily.

In romance novels, no one gets together and stays together unless they are in the delirium of deepest love. Sexual attraction lasts forever, love lasts forever, and women never, ever make the wrong choices out of necessity, when they are finally with the hero.