Sexploitation from the Golden age of Porn!

Do you remember when Nuns and Priests were always at it, when women were always bi and you were guaranteed to get more than a meal from your pizza delivery guy?

Those were the 1970's, when robots were sexy and every one had pubic hair. 

In honour of the Golden Age of Porn, and in order to reclaim it for myself, I've written a series of Sexploitation Novels designed to use the absolute worst in political incorrectness to have a fun romp through this classic age. 

First in the series is Visit To The Doctor, a three part novel from the age when no self-respecting doctor would conduct an examination without the busty nurse standing by.
The Doctor will see you Now.

 Visit to the Doctor #1 is available here.

 Visit to the Doctor #2 is available here.

Visit to the Doctor # 3 is available soon.

Because women pretend they want men when they want power.

Why are women so afraid of admitting they want power?

I mean - not to others. We have all that 'official' permission now.

Its the admission to themselves that I am thinking of. 

Here is the problem. 

Women will THINK what they want is a man, when really what they want is power. Now it doesn't matter if they guy they nab is powerful, but if he isn't, and he was only giving the illusion of being powerful (as is the case for 99% of men in the world and 100% of men who are not psychopaths) then owning and controlling him is going to be easy and - ultimately unsatisfying.

But, you see, but that time we already have kids and worried in-laws, so divorce seems too hard and you're left with only one final act to compensate for your mistake.  Nagging.

We all know it. This is one of the primary reasons women nag. Its a desire to control their mate. And of course, him being as childish as a man, the more she nags, the more he is going to ignore her or rush down to the pub with his mates. 

And so we are left with the startling reality that (unfortunately) looks like so many modern marriages, even today.

An alternative to this scenario is to identify that it is POWER that she wants. ultimately, power over herself. (if you don't think this is the case - check your sex barometer. If you are in any way attracted to a man 'taking control' in the bedroom, then you have a latent or overt  desire to be dominated) If she addresses this, and makes sure she is getting power in her own life, according to her own accomplishments and not by dominating the life out of husband and children, then miraculously she will find it doesn't matter too much that the lawn didn't get mown this weekend. Along side of this, she will find he wants to spend a little more time at home.

In romance novels women do not seek to gain power over their men. The men wouldn't stand for it anyway. But then, none of them want power over the women either, so the novels never get into that ugly tug-of-wits-war. They leave domination for the bedroom.

Because men are not honest about what they want

Every person wants to be needed by and special to their significant other. Entering into a relationship with a person is a tricky deal, because you have agreed to fulfil this impossible role. 

Thus begins the unshakable sense of being alone and disconnected in relationship.

This problem will continue through life, the balance between the others autonomy and your need to possess them. Women will grapple with this on the surface.

However, men will not. They will pretend they relationship is “for” her, as if they are getting little out of it. They have so many other fulfilling aspects of their life, they can easily make their partner feel as though the relationship is a gift to her. Sometimes, in extreme cases, they believe this.

Men want relationship. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t have it. Men will pretend what they want is ten women or no women, but when it comes down to it, they are the ones who ultimately get to choose. 

If men don’t need or want to be a relationship, why is almost every man in the entire world, and every man in the planets history, in relationships? Are they all so generous and benevolent that they have given this to some woman even though what they really want is a harem of ten?

No.

The answer to this is simply that they are not very honest about what they want. It seems manlier to say that you don’t want a relationship. Men feel that it is capitulating to own up that they want their one special person who properly understands them.

In romance novels the men are always honest about this because they are written by women and women think this is the sexsiest, most attractive thing in the world. 

Because women will play Ukulele music

Ok. I blame Jason Mraz and Taimane for this one. 

But it was bad enough we had to put up with the spate of kids playing this on the net. Now we are suffering through this ultra cute fad with women.

There seem to be three primary rules with the “Im going to make it big” ukulele thing.

1. You must cover at least 5 Beatles songs

2. One must be all my lovin’

3. You then have to cover I’m yours.

If you follow these rules, you are officially a ukulele player.

The world is still waiting for the un-cute ukulele player. Jason Miraz is primarily to blame for this – along with the film Juno. They have both cursed the world with a passion for cute that now extends past the previous healthy borders of child and cat. Of course, whenever there is a cute fad, you can be sure women will leap onto it, seeing as they are always looking for an opportunity to relinquish what it means to be an adult and embrace emotional childishness.

All I can say is the sooner we get past this the better.

In romance novels there are no Ukuleles because even the most banal, poorly written romance novel is too sophisticated for them.

Because women are more manipulative than they think

Female manipulation is very subtle to each individual woman and screamingly obvious to all those around them.

We have the obvious manipulation: tantrums, passive aggressive sighing, martyring themselves and allowing negative feelings to overwhelm them.

Then we have the not so obvious manipulations.

A woman will discuss something she wants with her partner. If she doesn’t get what she wants, she will work the strategy a different way.

A good example of this is moving in. The boyfriend may claim he’s not ready yet. She will claim to agree. Then she will start forgetting her things. Leaving stuff behind, rearranging his clothes and things, cleaning up. These are all passive aggressive ways of getting what she wanted anyway. Before he knows it, four weeks are past and she’s been there every night she’s redecorated and your cat likes her more than you.

Another example of this is a little later in life when she might decide she doesn’t want him to spend time with one of his friends she has decided is bad for him. After a discussion where he might disagree, he will find to his surprise that the particular friend in question is never invited over anymore and that she is not available to look after the kids when he goes out with this friend.

Because women are able to operate in the realm of ‘relationship’ they can often be a little ‘flexible’ with the rules. Usually a man is no match for this. He will wake up and find things have gone her way and he can’t work out exactly when that happened, or worse, he won’t even notice things have gone her way at all.

In romance novels this does still happen, unfortunately. This is a shame, because I do think manipulation is a problem and is something that needs to be addressed within each individual.

Because men pretend they want sex more than they do.

I know. 

I know.

1. You’re all going to protest.

2. This is a reoccurring theme on this blog.

But despite my resounding yes to both of those, this mystifies me so much, I am compelled to talk about it again.

Why do men do this?

Now it is true, that the men (and women) you find talking about sex the most are the ones who are not getting it. This is especially true of men. Any of your mates who are more obsessed than the others are the least satisfied. Especially if they talk about how much they are getting.

However, this is more about pretending you want it.

One of the secrets men don’t tell women, is that part of being out with the ‘mates’ is not having to think about sex. Being with the guys at the pub or in front of the game, means they are under no pressure to provide stud mentality to their mates, anonymous women, wives, parents, and all the other people that are watching them closely for signs of ‘normal’ behaviour.

And here we visit the heart of the matter.

Just as women live under the gaze, so do men. Men are constantly being watched for signs of masculinity. If women are oppressed recipients, men are forced predators.

This is not always the case of course. There are dangerous predatorial males, just as there are passive female victims. But for the most part, men are as forced into the ‘mating dance’ as women and it is comfortable and familiar to neither. Why men can’t stop pretending they want it is beyond me.

In romance novels, it’s honest. Every woman who has ever been close to a man knows of his desperate need for connection, and his desire for intimacy with one special woman. That is why they are uncompromising in their desire to reveal this. 

Because women will combine animal prints

Prints are tough.

Hard to get away with. Animal prints are tough work to make them work, if you get my drift.

But mixing your prints – is an act against nature.

Think for a moment. What is the animal print supposed to achieve? What is its purpose? What makes the animal print so beautiful?

Blending.

Right! A Zebras stripes are gorgeous because of camouflage. A leopards spots help with hiding in trees. A tiger is supposed to be stalking in long grass, and lions want to rest under trees in sandy coloured short grass and not be noticed.

That’s right. Not be noticed.

Therefore, to use animal prints in order to BE noticed, is an act against nature and goes against our deepest biological needs and urges.

This is why, women, (and men in this sort of underwear) you find it so hard to pick up when you are wearing the zebra striped black and white faux leather dress, over the top of snake skin cowboy boots and a leopard print jacket. People see you and a deep biological urge to kill you immediately sets in. This may or may not have anything to do with your personality, but it will absolutely have a lot to do with your outfit.

Animals wear animal prints so things that want to kill them can’t see them. 

In fact, it’s so pretty much everything can’t see them. Even coral (check your earrings) is protecting itself. You will never see a lion drape a panther fur around its neck, or a giraffe drape zebra fur across its back. That’s because, in Africa and other parts of the world, their animal prints work sans accessories. And they won’t work if they mix the patterns.

In romance novels no one ever mixes animal prints or they go to romance writer’s jail. Simple as that.  It’s like writing a lover who runs off with the protagonist’s best friend and then comes back and she forgives him. It’s just never gonna happen.

Because men wear man bags

What the FUCK?

Ok – now I’m not talking about cool saddle bags. I’m not talking about a dude carrying a satchle and slinging everything he transports. I’m not even talking about guys who are happy to hold their chick’s bag while she dashes to the public loo.

I’m talking about MAN BAGS. Those creepy little pouches men carry so you can’t be 100% sure they’re men.

Two very important dating rules:

1. Never date a man more good-looking than you

2. Never date a man with a better purse than you

This has got to be some sort of symbol of the crushing death of masculinity. These things aren’t just a-sexual; they are a total cold shower.

And WHAT is the deal? Those funny little pouches that men will sling around their chest and shoulders are weird enough, but what is with the little see through bathroom bag thing with no strap and no handle at all; I mean when did men’s accessories get dumber and less practical than women’s?

The ones worn around the penis area are the worst. Appalling. A pouch for the pouch. I think. I can’t work it out. Some are so small you couldn’t carry more in it than your balls. Are these things meant to carry money? Keys? Your ATM card and drivers licence. Just reach into my pocket there officer and you can pull it out?

In romance novels the women carry handbags and there is never ever any confusion about who is carrying the bag, or who the woman is. 

Because women think they look good at 50 in the outfit they bought when 20.

Ouch.

This is a toughie, and even though I am not fifty, I have to confess I’ve fallen for this one.

It’s not that you don’t look good (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it) more - the clothes are out of fashion now.

Oh – and we can include the fact you probably paid ten dollars for the shirt off the discount rack, took it home, looked amazing and were able to brag to everyone about how frugal you are (so frugal you purchased eight)  and bragged about your “knack” for grapping perfect clothing perfectly cheap.

You don’t have a knack.

Clothing had to be a canvas sack for you to not look good in it when you were twenty. Things are different now. You need real clothes; Protection clothing from fashion faux pas like muffin tops and cellulite.

It’s not that you’re bad, or sinful or unattractive. The problem is this: in the same way you could lose weight on a mars bar diet when you were twenty, you could wear any old crappy thing and appear stunning.

That aint the case now.

I do understand the memory thing. Those sweet cut off jean shorts your rebel biker boyfriend said “far out” in response to, when he and his friends checked you out at the drag racers that night? They are memories. 

Toss the shorts, revel in the memories, and get over it. You look better in the well cut jeans, light fashionable peasants blouse and leather jacket now anyway.

In romance novels women always fall in love with hopelessly rich men who have a clothing fetish manifesting in deep sexual pleasure from watching you shop on their credit card. No woman has to wear crappy clothing she bought when she was eighteen.

Because men will wear cut-off jean shorts

These are just bad.

Bad.

They rarely look good on women. I mean sometimes, some women can pull it off, but they are very rare.  Almost all the women who think they can pull it off can’t.

But men can never ever pull this off. Even if you think they can, they can’t. Even if you think your guy looks really hot in his cut offs – he doesn’t. It just looks – well – faggy. And not in that really cool ACTUAL gay-guy way. This looks just faggy in an ‘i-wish-i-was-brave-enough-to-give-it-a-go-just-once-but-i-never-will-because-im-not-cool-enough’ kind of way. 

Let’s collectively face it, shall we, and say the thing that we’ve been too scared to say out loud.

Cut off jean shorts are only for farmers who actually DO work so hard in their jeans they get frayed, genuinely. Shorts are kept for comfort, durability and convenience, never to be seen in public, never to be worn on public transport or in bars.

I mean – I don’t know – maybe you want to look like Andre Agassi.

Even worse than the cut off jean shorts is the frayed cut off jean shorts. Those ones that look like you tore them off yourself with your teeth. No no no no no!  Just say no!

These do not look good if you are tanned. They don’t look good if you are buffed. They don’t look good if you are gay. They never ever look good.

In romance novels cut off jean shorts rarely happen, because the bulk of women hate them, on women or men. There is a reason for this. Just as lots of people LIKE frank Sinatra or George Clooney for their sophistication. Sometimes popular opinion is right.

Because women will wear the holidays

What’s with wearing the holidays? 

How come, as soon as the first signs of Christmas appear (in September usually) we see sleighbell earrings and Santa bracelets? 

Add to that, these things are usually flashing in some indistinguishable headache-inducing Morse code that does nothing other than make everyone run for the aspirin. Worse still are those singing jumpers and headbands. 

What is with that?

So I get festive and fun. I can do that. But I am more traditional about my decorations. 

I tend to think the tree, dining table, food, booze, presents, book shelves, pets, front door, back door, ceilings, television and every square inch of every shopping centre or solitary shop is enough for the decorations. 

Must we adorn our bodies as well? I mean the song says deck the halls not deck everything moving or still in a ten mile radius.

I’m not sure, but I think it started with Christmas – or maybe Easter, we were wearing those crosses for years – but it has now spread to absolutely everything. Hearts for Valentines day, Santa’s for Christmas, bunny’s at Easter, pumpkins at Halloween, fourth of July flags.

I mean we will now even adopt other countries celebrations just so we can wear stupid little earrings: leprechauns and pots of gold for St Patricks day and mini French berets and baguettes dangling off our ears for Bastille day.

Basically, it’s enough that we adorn every hall in existence for our holidays. We don’t need to do the jewellery as well.

In romance novels, this does occasionally happen, and that’s just sort of sad.

Because men will wear long socks and shorts

Bit of a fashion theme running this week, because – well because it’s so easy. I mean how many fashion faux pas can men commit? This one IS a doosey. 

Sooooo – if you’re gonna do the bare leg thing, what’s with the long socks?  

Terrified the mosquitos will get your upper shins as well as your ankles? Or are you one of those up-to-date men who are wearing sandals with this little ensemble? Worried about how exposed your tootsies might get? 

I’d suggest you weren’t too worried about exposure at all. 

See, this one is tough, because you’re covering up your legs. I am sure it’s a little cooler (as in breezier, NOT Fonzy-like) than the full leg pant, but it can’t be a cool as the shorter socks. I can’t see the hiding of a shiny-shin is the key thing protecting you from the cold. 

If it isn’t to protect you from the cold... then...I’m afraid to ask... could it be that you think it looks good; 

or perhaps a tad more sophisticated than the shorter socks. Or perhaps it’s thought to be a little ‘dressier’ than the short socks with shorts. So dressy in fact that you might trick people into thinking you are not the daggiest person who ever lived. 

I don’t understand this one. I can say (mercifully) that it seems to be going out of date. Let’s face it, few –er – younger men are doing this and that means one thing and one thing only.

It’s dying out. 

In romance novels this absolutely never ever happens.

Because women will draw their eyebrows on

Soooooo...

WTF is going on here?  Honestly, this is worse than the comb over. SURELY these women know we can tell they drew their eyebrows on?  I googled this question in search of an answer for this blog post, and I came upon over 5.5 million responses, none of which held any answers as far as I could see. 

Just page after page of people asking why on earth anyone would do this?

The oddest folk are the ones who pluck the entire eyebrow out and subsequently draw it back on. One of the forums I visited had a woman saying she shaves her eyebrows off and then draws them back on because the original set are uneven.

Ok.

This still makes no sense what so ever. We can tell they are drawn on. Am I giving away a big secret here, or am I the only one who can tell?  Women who do this need to understand, we can tell you drew them on. I think this negates any possible advantage you may gain with the even eyebrows because now we are weirded out. Why? No one’s eyebrows ARE even. Even eyebrows are weird and we can tell right away you’ve drawn them on. 

Unless you are Marlene Dietrich or Greta Garbo (and please note the era these women were in the public gaze) you are not getting away with the drawn-on-eyebrow thing. It IS  like a comb over. See how we can all tell that hair isn’t growing from the top of his head? Well, that’s how we are about the drawn on eyebrows.

In romance novels women are not tempted to do this, over tan, ore poorly dye their hair. Mostly this is because any insecurity is done away with a stunning Greek God of a man telling her he is going a little insane for her oh-so-natural healthy good looks. And that’s partly why we love them.

Because men think Indie DJing is rebellious.

Some “white boy” rebellions I call “good college boy”. These are things good white middle class college boys will do in order to appear to be rebellious. One of these was discussed before on this blog – graffiti. Another is coke. Coke has to be the most main stream, pedestrian and tamed drug since dope.

The third is, Indie music, and becoming a DJ.

In order to be an Indie DJ you need to:  get a wild hair cut, wear your dad’s clothes in a cool way and get a tattoo. These are the most important things. A cool girlfriend helps, but once you are DJing plenty will come your way, so they are not so important.

What is not important at all is the music.

At least, the music itself doesn’t matter- but the style of music is desperately important. If you are going to be the coolest guy ever in the shortest period of time, then you need to be an Indie DJ.

Indie music is repetitive and unadventurous. 

This makes it perfect for fast access to looking like you know what you are talking about. Good Indie music can be recognised by how cool the people are who are wearing the bands t-shit. In five or six hours you can master a CDJ and that means you have everything you will need in order to be an excellent Indie DJ.

Few women want to be Indie Dj’s. They are aware this is a white boy’s domain, and their job is to have sex with them. Feminism is something both Indie sexes will claim for themselves, but the segregated roles are rarely transgressed.

Indie music does give the impression the people listening to it are very intelligent, mostly because no one has heard of the band names. Bizarrely, in the world of Indie music, obscurity is more important than talent, which is handy because often obscurity goes hand in hand with a lack of talent.  But young rebellious white college boys need this, in order to feel safe. So it has a very important role to play.

In romance novels there is no Indie music. That’s it. 

Because women will pretend "real dumb" is "fake dumb"

Part of the reason the “chicks are dumb” thing has lasted for all these years is that women use it for own advantage and at their own convenience. You will see this around you all the time. A woman will float into this vacant sort of space, and solicit laughs playing up the dumb thing.

What you probably don’t realise (but these things are so transparent you probably do) is often women really are dumb. Frequently they don’t know what you are talking about. Faking no idea what you are talking about is the perfect way to convince you they like to pretend they don’t know what you are talking about it.

It goes like this:

“One of the most concerning aspects of Nietzsche’s philosophy is the way that it was co opted by Nazi sympathisers. The Ubermunch has good and bad overtones. It’s an important idea to look at, but then the concept of intellectual superiority is a complicated one.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, like in the film, Rope. The idea is discussed there. The smartest people are able to dominate the dumb people.”

“Who thinks that?”

“Well, it’s not so much who thinks that, it’s more that the wrong people will adopt it as a philosophy.”

“Oh – you said the film Rope. Oh my goodness. I didn’t realise that was what you were talking about. I thought you meant a rope and I was like “what is this guy on about?”  ha ha ha ha... I’m so dumb. My god. That was stupid.”

“Ha ha – yeah I guess.”

And there you have it. 

Women will fake stupid in order to prevent themselves from looking stupid.

In romance novels women are happy to ask a question if they don’t know something because they always know it doesn’t mean they are stupid id there are things in the world that are still to be known. And that is another reason women love them so much.

Because men insist on having loud car stereos.

There are several ways in our culture men are able to inform people of a large penis. Fortunately none of these indicators involve showing your penis. Because the only people desperate to notify everyone they have a large penis are men with small penises, you can be very sure men who employ these methods have small penises.

There are many indicators of a large (and therefore small) penis. Most of these involve the car. One of the most prevalent ways of information sharing is having a large stereo blaring as you drive through the streets.

Another one of the requisites for driving through the streets with your car stereo blazing is having bad taste in music. No lover of 70’s Kraut-Progrock loves to drive with the stereo playing loud. This seems to be exclusive to the listeners of urban or main stream hip hop. Every now and then it will be some sort of banal mainstream metal music.

The music must be so loud you can feel it. A vibration must be throbbing through the pavement under your feet.

The task here is to impress people you will never see again and convince those you will never speak to that their lives will be poorer for not having met you.

Fortunately, because you leave before confirmation, you are able to convince yourself people (women) have this experience without any sort of brush with reality.

In romance novels, this never ever happens, and that is because chicks don’t dig it. Period.

Because women will buy bride magazines when they're not engaged.

Have you ever wondered, looking at all those bride magazines, how they stay in business? I understand every woman doing the large wedding thing will want to buy one of those mags. And it is true; she will buy every one in the shop when the wedding is first announced.

But what you may not know – a well kept secret amongst women – is often women (particularly younger women) will buy bride magazines when they are not even engaged. Often they are in a relationship, although sometimes this purchase may happen when they are single.

In a relationship is the wrong time to look at these magazines. Fantasising about the dress and all the other wedding crap is the absolute worst thing to do when you are trying a person on for size. Anyone will tell you it places too much pressure on the relationship and will end in tears. 

This doesn’t stop women dong it however.

There is something magical in the idea of your man proposing. I think it has to do with him wanting to give up his freedom or something. Realise when a man proposes to a woman she doesn’t think she now “has” him (women never really feel like that about their men) it’s more about the declaration to the world that he wants her. It is that public statement she’s after – not so much the idea of having him forever. 

If he wants to marry her, he wants his mates to know, his parents, and most importantly of all, his ex (and potentially future) girlfriends. Dwelling on the magazines holding the image of this promise, is a way of reminding you he hasn’t made that public declaration yet. 

Painful.

In romance novels when men and women fall in love, it usually ends in a proposal, which usually makes the woman feel very safe and makes all her rivals feel nervous. This is another reason women love them so much.